I want to climb out of machinery in my mind

Eating disorder recovery isn’t a smooth curve. Just like the body types it evades and manipulates, the course isn’t set.  For so long I have been occupied by it, fulfilling its objectives  - structuring the time of eating, food eaten, amount of work done, all to suit its objectives. I have lived in its machine for so long -it’s made me feel ‘useful’ and ‘efficient’, part of a process. This way I felt like I was making progress, even when other things were going wrong – school work pressures, change of house, university.

But if an eating disorder is like a machine... I’ve taken the first step and thrown my hand between the turning cogs – slowing them down, stopping them. I don’t want to be part, I want to be whole. And this starts with a whole truth:

I am terrified of time.

The eating disorder took time away from me – took it away like a kind of comfort. Because when it comes to considering the endless, indescribable nature of time for myself – I feel overwhelmed. I feel unworthy.

The past few days have been difficult; as I climb out of the machinery of routine so to speak, it means I no longer know what objective I am looking for. How do I know if I’m doing well? Have I made enough progress?

Routine had regulated the present  and now questions throw themselves at me.  I feel angry at myself for not being able to recover the first time round, upset at my fall from university, confused as to why I don’t feel better?

Before I used to ignore questions, even my own questions, with compulsion. But now I am determined to evade the emptiness and confront the issue. This means no longer living in the old industry of the past, the machine of the eating disorder outdated and unsuitable. It had become the mechanism of my meals, my movement and ultimately a defence mechanism.

Perhaps now it is about letting down my guard and participating in the present. And that can be a positive step – for everyone.

Chewing over the past can be bitter… taste the present, feed the future

We often seem capable of moving our mouths faster over the past rather than anything else. Telling tales of all kinds; both positive and negative, is part of what makes us human. Our capacity to connect by sharing our experience and allowing another person the opportunity to put their own perspective on it is an incredible thing.

 Yet it matters to be aware of the difference between recalling the past and being caught in replay. This replay is when the capacity for other people to connect, room for other people to relate, begins to close as we become preoccupied, pour over it in our minds. For me, I can all-to-often go from talking about my food problems in the past tense, before proceeding to imitate them in the present.

For example I have recently been more open in discussing how my fixation on being ‘efficient’  led to my extreme control of food, even avoiding social situations where I may have to eat something other than I ‘planned. ‘(After all, I thought, we live in a society which celebrates ‘plans’ and ‘organisation’) yet  still I struggle in the present; as when in Manchester the thought of eating food outside what I had selected was almost overwhelming. It was instinctive to go from not just talking about the past, but turning back to it.

Realising choice is voice

Yet ‘turning back’, even just by definition, sounds negative – and this is not the direction we deserve. The past can be powerful, and we even do ‘look to’ comforts of years gone-by such as childhood memories. But notice the difference here in terms of language such as ‘look to’ when  compared with ‘turning back’. Too many people turn to and chew over the past without gaining any insight or ‘nourishment’ so to speak, from it. People bring up stories of bitterness, even when there is so much opportunity to taste something different in the present – and in turn feed the future. This was something I came to appreciate more today; that although talking about the past can be important, realising when turning or back ON it matters too.

It’s time to turn my back on it, rather than to it

If we want to put some problems in the past, we’ve got to position ourselves in the present. I can’t just talk about what happened to me and the development of a disordered relationship with food, I have the take the choice to change.

 All of us can, and do, have the capacity to do so. I’ve given enough of myself to past routines and habits, I think of all the time which will simply be seen as the ‘past’ rather than positive or enjoyable; and it’s this sense of loss which often leaves bitterness.

But bitterness can be balanced – like some people choose to add milk to coffee and today I chose to eat a balanced breakfast rather than the bland oats and water I would often eat before. It can be a balance of perspectives too; you may have experienced negatives in the past but they will make a noticeable difference to helping you appreciate more the positives of the present.