Running on empty? Why not sit with simplicity

I have been running from my problems for far too long – both physically and mentally.  Many of us do.

I insisted this was ‘productive’, especially in the form of my relationship with exercise. After all, we are exposed to a (what can be unhealthy) media which of course expects ‘activity’ of all kinds (you only need to see social media where we are bombarded with ‘recent activity’, where ‘feeds’ often replace any kind of meaningful content). In short, it is easier to feed into these concepts of expectations and efficiency (rather than properly feeding the body) than you may first think. It becomes a complex and elaborate relationship which has left me feeling empty.

Being ‘driven’ shouldn’t be destructive

I started seriously exercising in an attempt to achieve a ‘balance’ on entering high school – bombarded with a surge of information, intense feelings, bullying. They called me ‘boygirl’, would mock the size of my teeth, my hair –  and I craved to do anything to detract, to distract from those features. Exercise and weight loss quickly became mechanisms of achieving a complex kind of ‘balance’, I remember thinking – even if I have big features, I can streamline myself elsewhere. A want to be compact, trimmed down, not an issue; all these are concepts which have intermittently obsessed me since.

I believe that the modern media spins a similarly unhelpful ideal – where we should be ‘streamlined’ and ‘successful’, often promoted by the active quality of being ‘driven’. It is fine to be ‘driven’ but only when there is direction behind it. Over the last few months I have been using running as a mechanism to achieve what I told myself was ‘balance’ , placing myself in some kind of ‘order’  - but I had clearly lost my way. I was running for six miles a day on very little food, trying to desperately satisfy my own complex of body image and society’s efficiency.

But we should be satisfying ourselves, not ‘complexes’ or ‘balances’ – that is what I am coming to realise. It reminded me of a simple pleasure as I looked out onto the snow this morning – the thought of sledging, feeling fun tingle from your fingers to your toes. We can feel fun even just in most simple sensations. Yet now I would get far too cold if I was go out in the snow, my hands are blue and blotchy, even indoors.

Simple pleasures

But right now, I sit, and look out onto the snow – how it has ‘settled’ and yet the same time has caused such dramatic change. A layer of snow has stopped routine, it has caused schools to close, some people to smile, others get agitated. It’s a simple feature of frozen water yet inspires a massive range of emotions. And this is what I am starting to appreciate more with other aspects of life – they may seem simple, but can inspire and create so much.

 Consider even just having your favourite hot drink, even a glass of water. Just concentrating on the temperature shared with you, the quenching of thirst, the need for nothing else for that moment – all these are little things to think about. It’s a simple enjoyment you can unlock every day, and one that brings me great comfort. The simple sensations of touch and taste themselves. And we can unlock so many, when we realise the power of the simple rather than submitting to the systematic. 

Recommendations of diet and exercise, ways to keep ‘driven’, are all okay – but as I said, when they have direction behind them, your best direction.

And whatever that direction, there’s still time for reflection; even if it’s just having a cup of tea on a cold day. It’s the simple things.

What an eating disorder makes me feel

·         I need to exercise to be efficient

·         Drained – there’s been a weight on my chest all day and I feel low in mood; but I’m still determined!

What today is real

·         Looking after my health is what is efficient – I stayed at home, carried on eating and did not go running