I feel fear.
But that’s the start. And one I can make constructive.
The doctor’s appointment yesterday was an acknowledgement
that I am ill – and admitting it to myself has been hard. She drew attention to
my critically low BMI, falling blood pressure, sluggish pulse. I have heart
palpitations and my hair falls out.
Yet I have closed awareness to my own body for so long, slamming
instinct shut and instead focusing an appearance like the spine of a book; a
streamlined, clean column of output. Yet rather than producing all the time –
it’s time to consume, to read, to recognise – something we all can take steps
to do. This seems appropriate given its #Worldbookday and reading is something
I love. It’s the opportunity to get into another world, another character, feel
around and unlock new experiences. I like
to think that is what I am doing with my body now: gradually taking the time to
climb back into its crevices, re-involving myself in the narrative of what I
need (not what the eating disorder ‘needs’) and giving a story of recovery.
Reading the warning signs is one step – and feeling scared is another step too, another page turned.
I fear falling and not
being able to get back up.
Feeling fear is not a fault in itself; it is essentially
human. Yet so often in modern society we are encouraged to avoid feeling fear,
a fundamental instinct; instead it is acceptable to ‘feed into’ the distraction
of media, money, modernity. All these concepts we can receive a kind of confirmation
from. But it’s ultimately short-term; just as we ‘shy away’ often from what
really matters through things like ‘social’ media – and this is a statement
which appears ironic in itself.
Feeling fear is showing that I am aware of myself, not just
the eating disorder. Fear is a feeling
after all, and one it helps to be honest about. And because it is a feeling –
it is ultimately temporary – it does not define your future or pin-down your
present. Because when you cut away the distraction, the routine, you feel
things like fear – but also a whole host of marvellous emotions too. I felt
happy eating a bowl of cereal with milk yesterday. I haven’t properly eaten cereal
with milk for at least a year.
Feeling fear is part of your instinctive want to stay alive –
and I do. It’s what we ‘do’ with it that matters, rather than disappearing behind
impressions.
Yet this is an age it seems like we can ‘disappear’ in an influx
of information, where we scroll instead of read, and spread ourselves across
media with a kind of paper-thinness. It seems a little like an analogy for what
my eating habits had become.
But I’m determined to get involved in reality, get my grip
into the big book of life – which we all can do. I no longer want to ‘scan’ and ‘scroll’
through my days, only feeling impressions of things, at the instruction of an elaborate
routines of exercise and controlled eating. This now means being direct with
myself, with others, being honest in the here-and-now. Eating when I am hungry.
Accepting when I am tired.
Information can be opportunity.
Time can be taken.
Reality can be read.
It is not as a result of the doctor’s
appointment, but my own determination to feel back in touch with things and the
inspiration from you all, which drives me. I have after all recently felt the love
from some incredible people, experienced the emotion of others reaching out
too. Thank you.
In 5 weeks I wouldn’t be here..... without you
The GP I saw was kind and
considerate, but only able to do what she could to move into the next stage of
medical treatment for the disorder – a referral for a consultation with the
eating disorders clinic.
In 5 weeks time.
My appointment is on the 8th
April. In all honestly, if I was still engaging in the same regimented routines
as the previous weeks, I don’t think I would be conscious by then; minimum 6 miles of exertion per day,
carefully controlled food, snatches of sleep. It makes me so concerned, angry,
for all the other sufferers out there, that they have to wait more than a month
even just for a consultation appointment. It is not acceptable.
But the disorder isn’t going to
determine up until the 8th April. It is the brilliant support I have
received from friends, family, even people I do it know directly – which has
helped me read back into reality and re-engage with what matters. You can do this too.
Between now and the time of the 8th
April isn’t going to be a time of waiting.
It is going to be a time of
making progress, GAINING GROUND.
The sensations aren’t easy, the
sudden jolt, the anxiety – it feels intense. But it is just a feeling, like
fear is only a feeling. I am reading into reality, trying readdress my ‘feeling’
of what a healthy amount of food and exercise is, and I’m glad its world book
day. Tonight I will be re-reading one of
my favourite books in recent years, ‘The Humans’, by Matt Haig. It’s a
brilliant exploration of alienation and self-identity, through the story of an
alien re-born in the body of a professor. Can I tempt you?
What an eating disorder makes me feel
·
6 miles/worth of exercise a day is efficient
What, today, is real
·
I made the decision not to run to work for the
first time in more than 6 months – I need to keep my energy for gaining weight
·
A better breakfast – rather than oats and water,
breakfast today was made with milk, apple, peanut butter and cinnamon too! THIS
is balance, not the precarious position I have been putting myself in
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