My name is Emily and I am a writer, poet and proud Northerner. I also
have an eating disorder. This isn’t an admission; an
eating disorder is not like an error to ‘admit’ to. It is an illness – and in
this blog I want to provide an honest, frank account of not only my attempts to
heal, but also to help others and address the stigma.
I am being honest.
‘Getting
better’ is a phrase I dislike – as it implies that there was something lacking
in the first place. It’s not about attempting ‘improvement’ – recovery is the
return to relishing life. Therefore I want
to focus on GAINING GROUND: re-engaging with life again – through thought, food
and feeling. These are the steps to a return to enjoyment – rather than exercising
out of compulsion or eating just to survive. We all deserve to thrive.
I am being
honest.
It’s not going to be easy – and I want this blog to
show the bumps and lumps along the way. Eating more and dealing with the
anxiety will be hard, the physical effects of gaining weight, the aching mind.
I am being honest and I want to live.
My experience of an
eating disorder has made me into a marvellous actor. I have co-ordinated my time spent with people,
around food, to fits and starts like filming in a set. I have worn the waxy
mask of reassurance. I have watched my clothes drop off me as if getting into a
‘role’. I have continued writing
articles, essays; but more and more they have become like ‘images’ of health –
a presentation of ‘success’ to people. My thoughts have studied a script –
which it has created.
It has taken me a long
time to realise the reality of myself. Now I am seriously underweight, I ache.
My hair falls out and the cold comes close to a pain. The eating disorder
serves up the excuse that this is ‘control’; but it isn’t. Sometimes feel
scared because I don’t know what is going to happen to my body, when it will
drop. There's a weight sitting on my chest.
I don’t want to lie to life any more
For years I have fixated on food as a form of control – starting with
what I ate, then exercise, even concepts such as time and place. Losing weight,
watching my body ‘change’ according to my actions, became a kind of
confirmation that I could ‘achieve’ in a world of uncertainty. Yet rather than
‘achieved’ I have grown isolated; eating disorders often drive routine –
pushing the sufferer into a kind of silence. But it has kept me quiet for too
long.
The truth: Let's get out of one word
definitions!
People who face eating disorders are far from ‘fine’; although that is
the response typically served up by the illness. They are so much more than
that, and facing the problem is so much more than about food.
Through GAINING GROUND I want show that so much more than just weight
can be gained when recovering from an eating disorder – it unravels whole new
areas of feeling, thought and life. It’s about both body and mind. It should
not be a focus on quantity and co-ordination; what matters is that you feel
connected to the world and the capacity to enjoy it. And you can, we all can!
I spent so long trying to fit
An eating disorder is a deep disturbance between body and identity,
between attitudes and action. It has been the articulation of my insecurities
for too long, so to speak – altering my body image rather than accepting it.
Because we seem to live in a society where ‘making something of ourselves’ is
the prized ideal. Yet think of the term ‘making something of ourselves’ – it
suggests that we are like clay to mould into the shape of ‘something’. So often
this takes the form of fads and trends such as ‘healthy’ ‘fit’ ‘beautiful’ –
when these are all subjective. There is ultimately no set mould you have
to fall into, or form you need to take; a point it has taken me a long time to
acknowledge.
Addressing definition and dealing with
denial
For me, attempting to ‘fit’ my body and mind into ideals of ‘success’
became my objective – and I said it was ‘fine’ too. ‘Fine’ is so-often an
invention used to cast our real feelings aside – creating a situation which is
far from healthy. As part of my recovery I want to focus on what really
matters, so rather than ‘fitting’, focusing on ‘feeling’ – because our feelings
are our own. You have your unique capacity for motion, and this can be enjoyed -
something I aim to explore with GAINING GROUND.
There are also some brilliant resources out there; including charities and institutions. Rethink Mental illness, Beat, Time To Change and Mind are just some of the sources of inspiration - full of supportive individuals who have helped me to feel the determination to drive forwards, so much.
Leaves
I have been casting leaves
For as long as I can remember
The latter stages of the year
Appear in ‘embers’
The new – a smile
And thought then
Why
Am I flickering
When this could be fire.
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